No cliches, just changes.

...today is new...

and so am I.

So many of my endeavors are short-lived, by now fault of their own. Usually they are thwarted early on by my unrelenting capacity for self-sabotage. 

I have succeeded in things before, usually the kind of things one outside my brain would see as arbitrary or even meager, but that is not a judgement for me to make. 

I am here to start new. If feels so cliche, I can't lie, but my theory is that if I jump on a wave of good intentions with everyone else while the worlds spirits are high, my own good energy will be bolstered and it just might be enough to give me the momentum I need. And I need it. 

I am giving myself back to myself this year. I want the whole me back. I have felt good before, I know what it is like to take care of every aspect of my life, and it is hard, but I need to do it. I need to start now. I am committing to a practice, a new way of life. I am incorporating all of the bits I have gathered along the way and adding in the new. I am committing to the light in me, to burn brighter, give more, care more, care less, and make all the things I want to happen, happen. Starting with square one:
my mind.

It is an unruly beast. My biggest rival, my strongest ally, my toughest critic, my only true support, my source of strength, and it needs a good lashing, some strong discipline, and some quiet time. Taming this beast will be my most daunting task, because it dictates the trajectory of all my subsequent goals. Rein in the beast and it will make all things possible. For this I will need yoga. To commit to a practice of yoga in every facet of my life. to live it. 

while I crack the proverbial whip at my cerebral cortex, I will work to improve the other aspects of my being in tandem with my mental progress...

my body.

yes. you knew it was coming. no I am not happy with how it feels. yes I am more at peace with my appearance than in past years, but I have not served it well. It does not deserve the abuse I inflict. I am tired. I don't sleep well. I am angry and irritable almost all the time. I feel emotionally drained and frantic. Anxiety is a hideous urchin that is stuck in my craw-ew. All of this can be changed. It starts with my mind. I have already made the conscious decision to change my mind, to make more mindful choices with regard to food, company, and activities. I am choosing to wipe my slate clean, and my plate along with it. I start with the whole30...I'll post a link at the bottom with some other resources. 30 days of being real with food, so I can reset my physical body and break old habits, and replace them with healthy, mindful ones. REAL food= real sustenance. No more feeling like garbage if I don't put garbage in my mouth.

next comes..

my spirit.

I've said it before, yes, but this time I want it. I've watched myself for the past few years hang on to fragments of my spirit by their last remaining brittle hairs, namely my creativity, and my passion for making art. That flame is barely a smoldering ember anymore and it used to be such a profound part of my character. all of these things I want to work on feed into one another. and all of it ends up here. at the core of what I am...a creative being. taking care of myself means starting at a physical level, thereby improving my physical capacity for change on a mental level, thereby affording me the energy and fire to rebuild myself. to do what I love, to create art, good food, positive thoughts and energy, well, it creates a reality for me and those closest to me that is full of vibrancy. I am at the core of my experience, and if I CHOOSE to let my own ember poop out....well, it doesn't look good for all the other facets of my life. So today, right now, and every moment hereafter, I am choosing to stoke my own fire, I am choosing to be a brighter light for myself first, so I can be at my best for those I love. I am choosing right now to be present in my life. I am writing here to share with everyone, because if this is all trapped in my mind I am accountable only to me, and right now, while I am not at my strongest, I need support. I want to share my journey to a better place, so I will do that here. 

.day 1. Jan. 1, 2014.

I drank champagne last night and loved it. 

but today i do not. that was it. NO more alcohol. It does not serve me well. I do not like it. I do not like the way I feel or act when I consume it. I am leaving it. There. Donezo.

I drank 2 large glasses of clean spring water when I woke up...

then had some plain coffee- organic fair trade. 

watched some tv, realized that more often than not, tv feeds my irritation and only distracts me from what I would really enjoy doing but I fear turning it off for some reason...like I don't want to miss anything. Well I DO want to miss all that shit. I'm over it. I will watch tv when I can choose a show, and focus. No more noise. there is enough of that in everyday life. So I came here to write. Imagine my surprise when I couldn't stop writing. I feel better already. Anxiety is lower, I am calm. my lesson here=tv is garbage. no more pollution allowed (unless it is some nerdy nat geo documentary or some other such business...like Breaking Bad;)

played in the snow with my muffin while Huz shoveled. Fantastic. Pictures are always on fb, but I will work on putting some up here too. 

Next order of business for the day:
small size exercise+yoga

reading

organize something on my list (which goes on FOREVER)

...and begin an art project. I have to start somewhere, so I will just start:)

for now....I am leaving. 

What you believe, you create...so I must go.

oh. here is the link to the nutrition guide I will follow for at least the next 30 days:
http://whole30.com/new/
thanks to those who put work in everyday to make things like this available.